BlazBlue Postal Service
by Hunter of the Wicked
Summary: Have you ever imagined a world where people fight each other for no reason? Well, you're in the wrong place. Watch as we show you a whole new side to your favorite BlazBlue characters as they take on their toughest challenge yet: running a postal service. Will they be able to deliver the mail on time or will Bang fall down into the sewers again? Read and find out right now on BBPS!
1. Chapter 1

BlazBlue Postal Service 03/27/2014

(Kagutsuchi)(Orient town)

Hakuman is flying over everyone on an Ice car while holding a package and listening to High Way to Hell while shaking his head to the music. Hakuman is wearing Susanoo's armor with a hat on his head that has his symbol on it with BBPS written a crossed it. He "Drives" to a large building that has BBPS written in large Neon lights on it. He drives into what looks like a parking garage. He "Turns off" the music and spots Jin, who is wearing mechanic overalls. Jin is working on a Ice Car that looks like it was in a serious accident.

"Hey Jin did you let Tsubaki test that one!?" Hakuman yells a crossed the garage.

"No it's a NISSAN and I let Nissan try to drive !" Jin yells back.

Hakuman continues on his way into the main mail place where Ragna is sorting mail.

"HEY BLACK BEAST!".

Ragna drops the mail he is sorting and the hole mail sorter collapses from the sudden surprise.

"I told you to stop calling me that!".

"Well maybe you should stop wearing black outfits everywhere".

Then Rachel walks by. She keeps an eye on Ragna.

"What in the world happened here?" Rachel asks in a calm demeanor.

"Ragna drops a single paper and the hole XXXX then came down" Hakuman says coldly.

"Oh you poor thing. Fix it" Rachel says with a smile on her face.

"Hakuman you son of a XXXXX XXX XXXX XXXXX" Ragna mumbles.

"Get to work".

"XXXX you Rabbit".

"I'm sure you would enjoy that to much".

In the other room Kokonoe is sitting at her desk with tons of candy surrounding her. Her screen is lit up with marketing stuff. Lambda is sitting playing with a strange worm.

"Lets see. The number one complaint on Bang is that all the letters and packages are soiled with green liquid and smell like sewer, huh maybe we should stop letting him run everywhere. The only complaint on Hakuman is… He scared my kid and gave my wife a heart attack. And for Tsubaki-wow 5000 different complaints mostly from her crashing her car into the ground and houses but nothing else" Kokonoe says to her self. Tager walks into the room wearing a maid outfit and he starts cleaning the floor.

Noel is sitting outside of the main office as the secretary. Bang walks into the room with her.

"Hello young man how are you?" Bang asks.

"How many times do I have to tell you I AM NOT A MAN!" Noel yells summoning blevark in its RPG form. She then unleashes a hell storm of rockets at Bang. Bang is nailed by each of the rockets and gets sent out a nearby window. Then Bang doesn't land on the ground but into a sewer and a splash of green liquid flies up to Noel. Lucky for Noel it lands short.

Bang is laying at the bottom of the sewer.

"Someone help!?" Bang yells.

But instead of help a person walking by with a lit cigar throws the cigar into the sewer detonating the methane gas.


	2. Chapter 2

Blazblue Postal Service

Hakumen is once again on his ice car listening to his music on his way to deliver yet another package. When he arrived at Kokonoe's house, he questioned, "Why is this package addressed to the Grimalkin? Surely, this package is too big to be a bunch of spare parts."

He dropped off the package as it suddenly started shaking. Somebody with brown hair and blue eyes popped out of the package gasping for breath.

"Jeremiah, what the hell were you doing in there?" Hakumen asks as Jeremiah climbed out of the package.

"Normally, I would tell you to watch your language, but I'll let it slide this time. Anyway, Kokonoe lured me in there by putting a bunch of chocolate in there. Due to my sweet tooth, I walked straight into the trap like the sucker I am. Unfortunately, Kokonoe forgot to put air holes in there, so I had to use the chocolate to breath as well to fill my stomach," answered Jeremiah.

"How can you possibly use chocolate to breath?" inquired Hakumen.

"Ok, I might be exaggerating a tiny bit. There was just enough oxygen for the trip, but I began to run out on the final stretch here," Jeremiah replies.

"That makes much more sense. I better get back to headquarters," says Hakumen as he turns around.

"Oh what? You mean you don't want to play with little old me?" says a voice across from them.

They looked in the direction of the voice and saw the bandito of the Blazgreen Postal Service, Hazama, riding his horse towards them. He reined his horse to stop right in front of them.

"What are you doing here, bandito?" Hakumen asks.

"The same thing you're doing here, senor. I'm just here delivering mail to the Grimalkin. That (Jeremiah got out a remote and turned a dial on it) XXXX cat has got a package and it's my job to deliver it. Hey, what the hell happened?" Hazama answers.

"Simple. I turned up the censorship parameters. Now, it's a lot stricter on language. That h word you just said is the only exception because one of the censorship moves uses it," Jeremiah explains.

"You can do it. Oh well, it doesn't matter. (He gets out his guns, Ouro y Boros.) Time to die," said Hazama as he started shooting chain snakes out of them.

Jeremiah just turned sideways and got out his cell phone. He dialed up Kokonoe while as the chain snakes missed and then Hazama screamed, "Don't you dare ignore me."

He shot more chain snakes out of Ouro y Boros as Kokonoe answered, "Hello?"

"Hey, Kokonoe. Quick question, how is the stocks on BlazGreen looking?" asked Jeremiah as he kept back stepping to avoid the chain snakes.

"Why, are they causing you trouble?" asked Kokonoe.

"Why you little," muttered Hazama as Hakumen stepped in.

"I shall smite thee, bandito of the Blazgreen," says Hakumen as a versus screen appeared.

"Yep. And it's about to get worse, a versus screen just appeared and the wheel of fate is turning," replied Jeremiah.

"You're not even a playable character. How is that possible?" Kokonoe asks.

It just went "ACTION!" and both Hazama and Hakumen looked up and saw the health bars.

"What are these health bars for? Now, that's just random. (He shot a chain snake out of Ouro and it hit right in between the bar and his face.) And who needs a heat gauge? I got guns for crying out loud," said Hazama as he aimed for Hakumen.

"XXXX. Hey, did you turn up the censorship parameters?" Kokonoe questions.

"Maybe," replies Jeremiah with a troll face on his face.

"Well, you got to stop them before one of their health bars reach zero otherwise the game resets and we have to explain how we changed the world so they would be working at a postal service," says Kokonoe as Hakumen sliced Hazama.

"Oh yeah, I remember. That was a fun game of mad scientist we were playing. Why did we want them to work at a postal service again?"

"Beats me. We were probably bored at the time," replies Kokonoe.

"Probably. Oh no, Hakumen's health bar is in the red and Hazama is about to perform an Astral Heat. We shall continue this conservation later," Jeremiah says as he hung up and raced in front of Hakumen.

He punched Hazama in the gut making cough a bit and stopping his attack. It went "FINISH" and gave nobody a point.

Jeremiah thought, "_Phew. Luckily, Hazama had enough health to survive that blow without the game resetting._"

"What was that just now, Jeremiah? I know you get along well with the Grimalkin, so you must know something," Hakumen asks.

"Wait, he's friends with the cat?" Hazama asks.

"First of all, Kokonoe really hates the nickname Grimalkin. Second of all, yes, I am friends with Kokonoe. And third, I have no idea what just happened myself," answers Jeremiah.

"You cannot fool me with your lies. I heard you on the phone. It sounded to me like you knew exactly what was going on," Hakumen replies.

"Aren't you needed back at headquarters?" asks Jeremiah.

"You're lucky this time. But next time, I will find the answers I seek," Hakumen warns as he got on his ice car and left.

"Well it's just you and me," says Hazama.

"Don't think I forgotten about you Hazama. I want you to just deliver your package and get the heck out of here," says Jeremiah in a more angry and slightly serious tone.

"Alright, alright. But next time you see the cat, tell her I said hello," Hazama replies as he dropped off the package, got on his horse, and left.

As soon as he left, the package Hazama delivered started shaking. Suddenly, a giant muscular hand punched through the top of the package and the package broke. This revealed the cargo was none other than the Mad Dog himself, Azrael.

"Well, what is the Mad Dog doing here at Kokonoe's house?" asked Jeremiah.

"I'm here to get my revenge on Kokonoe for firing me. According to her, they were losing many customers because of my 'absurd' behavior. So, I shipped myself through the BlazGreen Postal Service over here so I can kill that XXXX cat. What just happened?" Azrael rants.

"It's truly hilarious how no one knows how I turned up the censorship parameters. And I expect you to leave now, Azrael," says Jeremiah.

"And what are you going to do if I don't?" asks Azrael.

"Then, you leave me no choice," says Jeremiah as he got out a Frisbee.

"Is that a Frisbee?" asks Azrael.

"Yep. And I bet you just want to catch it. Am I right?" says Jeremiah.

Azrael got on his knees and started acting like an excited dog. Jeremiah threw the Frisbee and Azrael tried to catch on all fours. Suddenly, a thruster came out of the Frisbee and accelerated it. Azrael ran out of sight.

Jeremiah laughs and says, "That's why we fired him. That and there was the fact that he kept pooping on our customer's lawns. Now, if I remember correctly, there should be some odd looking glasses in the package Kokonoe shipped me in."

He looked inside the package he came in and found some odd heart-shaped glasses.

"Ah, yes. Here they are. I think these might have some sort of scientific purpose to them. There's only one way to find out."

He put on the odd heart-shaped glasses and began to walk into the house. A few seconds after he walked in, he saw almost all the female employees of the Blazblue Postal Service burst through the door. Makoto yelled, "Get him!" Jeremiah started running for his life. He ran into Kokonoe's basement and locked the metal door. He got a phone call.

"Hey, I got done checking those stocks on Blazgreen. According to this, they recently bought out a local police department so their shares in stock have increased. Right now, a piece of them is about 200 platinum dollars. By the way, have you seen where all of our female employees went? They suddenly just rushed out of here and I have no clue where they are at," says Kokonoe through the phone.

"Umm, no. Quick question, why didn't you rush out?" asks Jeremiah as the bangs on the door got harder and Izayoi suddenly appeared on his side through the door.

"Why would I? I'm much too busy with my job to deal with any childish antics that's going on right," answers Kokonoe as Izayoi got done cutting through the door.

On the other side of the door, Tsubacki took Izayoi out of the door. Makoto went up to the door and punched it. Back on Jeremiah's side, Jeremiah says, "I'm going to have to call you back, again. Something just came up."

Jeremiah hung up much to Kokonoe's annoyance. Jeremiah began to hold the door in place while reaching for a button. Suddenly, some sort of wire came from further in Kokonoe's basement and it hit the button.

It added four layers to the door. Jeremiah took off the odd-heart shaped glasses and said, "What are these things?"

"Don't you know? Those are the Spectacles of Eros," says a voice from right behind him.

Jeremiah looked behind him and sees L. L stands at 5'8", has olive skin, short black hair, brown eyes, and a large build. L is wearing a full red pilot outfit.

"Well, nice to see you L. How are things going?" asked Jeremiah.

"Well right now I'm trapped in here with a lunatic who's dating another one," replies L.

"I told you, me and Kokonoe are not dating," Jeremiah denies.

"You sure. Sure seems like it," replies L.

"Well I can say the same thing about you and Noel," replies Jeremiah.

His face suddenly went red and he exclaimed, "That is just your imagination. Besides, she hasn't been paying any attention to me."

"You sure? I think she pays more attention than you think. You just got to look where you normally don't," says Jeremiah.

"What do you mean by that?" asks L.

"I could tell you but that would spoil the fun," replies Jeremiah.

"I could kill you right now," L threatens.

"But then, you would never know and as soon as I die, this annoying tracker chip/heart monitor on the back of my neck of my neck would send a signal that would fill up this basement with poison gas," explains Jeremiah.

L thought it over for a minute and decided it wasn't worth it. Suddenly, Jeremiah got another call. He answers it and it was Kokonoe.

"Good news. All the female employees are back. So, did you like the Spectacles of Eros? I heard from Rachel that they are a smash hit," says Kokonoe.

"So you put those accursed glasses in there on purpose?" exclaims Jeremiah through the phone.

"Yep, you're just lucky that my basement is teleportation proof. It sounds like Rachel was right about those glasses. However, what gets me is how Rachel was affected this time and yet I wasn't," says Kokonoe.

L picked up on the wireless signal and was recording the whole conversation. He was wearing headphones so Jeremiah wouldn't hear.

"So exactly what do these glasses do anyway?" asks Jeremiah.

"Well, according to Rachel they fill anyone of the opposite gender with extreme infuation for the wearer. She also says that it will not work on anyone who has as much love for the wearer as the glasses artificially generates," explains Kokonoe.

Jeremiah suddenly got a big grin and says arrogantly, "Could that be the reason why you weren't affected?"

At the BBPS HQ, Kokonoe blushed and yells through the phone, "You're out of your XXXX mind if you think that's the reason."

L's ears were ringing due to the yelling of the conversation he intercepted.

Jeremiah replies, "Well it's a just bit odd that you said that specific reason for somebody being immune and yet you're immune when I wear it so I just thought…"

"Shut the hell up or I will fill up that room with poison gas," threatens Kokonoe.

"Oh, I'm so scared," teased Jeremiah.

"Seriously, I wouldn't edge her on if I were you," sincerely warns L.

"There's somebody else there?" asks Kokonoe.

"Yep. L is here too. I have no clue how the heck he got in here but whatever," answers Jeremiah.

"Well, I guess I better hang up then," says Kokonoe.

"Two questions before you hang up. First, why the heck did you forget to put air holes in that package you put me in?" asks Jeremiah.

"Who says I forgot?" says Kokonoe with a devious smile on her face.

"You did that on purpose? You really do have a sick, twisted mind, don't you? That's why it's so much fun keeping track of your movements," replies Jeremiah.

"Now, what's your second question?"

"How do we get out of here because we locked ourselves in?" asks Jeremiah.

"Simple, the trapdoor right under you," answers Kokonoe.

"Trapdoor?" questions Jeremiah as he looks down and saw a trapdoor under him.

It opened and he fell down. As he was screaming, L looks down there to try and see where it went. Jeremiah landed on something metallic. The lights came on and he was on a nuclear missile.

"Oh crud," said Jeremiah as the missile launched.

The floor opened up in Kokonoe's basement along with the ceiling and roof and the missile flew out of it. It lands right next to the BBPS HQ, which, to Jeremiah's relief, was a dud. Kagura Mutski was on his break when the missile landed and the Spectacles of Eros landed right in front of him. He grabbed it and wondered, "What are these things?"

He put them on and he was suddenly clomped by all of the female employees of the BBPS. He took them all to some office in the BBPS. There he was trying to lay on his charm and get them to do all sorts of things. As soon as Kokonoe started trying something, the doors open and Jeremiah grabs her by the ear.

"Oh no you don't. Not this time," says Jeremiah as he dragged her away.

As soon as he got to Noel, a wire came out of nowhere and shocked him. The wire came from L who jumps down and punches Kagura in the gut causing him to cough up some blood and fall over unconscious. After that he took the Spectacles of Eros and walked off.

When the effect wore off, Kokonoe was wondering why she was tied to her chair and started yelling at Jeremiah to untie her.

He replies, "Nah, I think you look better that way."

As he walked away, "Hey get back here you son of a XXXXX and untie me."

Jeremiah put the censorship parameters back to its normal settings and walks out of the room. Of course he didn't leave her tied up all day. Later, he came back and untied her when her shift was done.

_**This chapter was written by **__**Pokemiah**__** . **__**He did a marvelous job. I have done some editing to fix some issues like he had it the dialog in past tense rather than present tense like the rest of his sentences. **_

_**Please do review and a round of applause for Pokemiah. Thanks for helping. **_

_**Also some content of this chapter is from chronophastasma which I cannot play do to it being on PS3 only. (XXXXXXXXXXXXXX! Oh crap the censorship is still on)**_

_**Thank you for your cooperation**_


End file.
